Saturday, November 26, 2005

the art of manipulation

later on in the day of my previous post, something strange happened. my ex, K, called me to offer me a lift to work. although it sounds strange, for those who know him will probably know of his motivations. he had to drive to work and wanted to make use of the transit lane so that he wouldnt be stuck in traffic. i agreed and later told G (the new boy) about it in passing. he didnt seem to take it well. he had told me on many occasion that he doesnt deal with ex's very well, that he has been burnt before.

and just because of this little incident, he communicated that he had felt really bad about the way he has been with respect to his 'hot ex' and that he will try to rectify it in the future. so, essentially, without doing anything, i had inadvertently manipulated him into doing what i wanted - without having to seem petty, or whiny, etc. in fact, i could continue to say that 'its ok, i understand that u and 'hot ex' are friends, and i'm ok about it...' (not completely true, but not a lie either)

although this wasnt my intended result, i had realised how easy it was to manipulate him. it sounds bad i know, but he is so honest with me and puts me on such a pedestal that, it's simply quite easy. but as they say: with power comes responsibility. i will try my best to wield my power for good and not evil... or not to wield it at all.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

So here's the thing...

the guy that i'm seeing has a really really hot Ex who he keeps in regular contact with. i have been out with her quite a few times, and she has been completely lovely and sweet. which just makes it worse doesnt it? Hot AND nice... perfection really.

it is inevitable that the thoughts of 'why would anyone choose me (not that hot, moody and just a bit of a bitch) over her'? "He" has been consistently lovely and sensitive about it. I have said that didnt mind, and i didnt - but i had also said that i cannot guarantee that i wouldnt mind forever. i think as this thing moves along i can see myself minding more and more and becoming more and more paranoid and pyscho. well, i'm human after all - in particular, one of the female variety.

having said all of this, she really is very lovely (and i do like her - though admittedly i secretly wished that she were dumb (at least dumber than me!)), and i do trust 'him'. so in light of these more important elements, i will continue to try not to mind, to try to be logical, and not become pyscho woman over this.

Monday, November 21, 2005

out of the bag

Cat's out of the bag.

we have been busted and 'everyone' knows. its a strange strange feeling... and i sense it going to be a loooong day!

but as my friend said, with these things, its a matter of 'sooner of later' isnt i it?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

How do you think you're going?

Is it true that men are naturally better at bragging about themselves and women tend to be more... humble? Not necessarily humble, but women seem to prefer to self deprecate in a hope to fish for compliments. So, when it comes to review time, women perhaps would tend to short sell themselves?

Must try my best to avoid this from happening to me.

This is my first 'proper' review, and it's killing me. i have vouched to do this for about 3 weekends. It's sunday and i'm no closer to getting it done.

perhaps the key from doing a good performance review is unrelated to any innate differences between men and women. perhaps its more important to get off your lazy arse and get it done!

Monday, November 07, 2005

My resolution

I love our coffee guy. Its almost like he knew that what i needed this morning was coffee with chocolate dusting.

So, in light of all the good things in life, i have made a resolution to be happy. Let bygones be just that. I'm typing this as i finish off the second piece of my icecream mochi.

My happiness starts, as of now.

How was your weekend?

Aside from the usual Monday anxiety, today I have an extra problem. On my train ride in this morning I suddenly felt a fear of the above question. "how was your weekend?" they all ask. The fact it is, it was shit. I'm sleep deprived and emotionally drained, tired of it all.

For the first time ever (in my 10 years of knowing my bestie A), Saturday was the first time she had seen me cry. Of course, we were at the wedding of my good friend, and tears of happiness as her husband nervously recited his vows did flow, but those are not the tears I'm referring to. Those tears of happiness is not something I'm ashamed about. In fact, my tears of frustration/anger/helplessness/sadness(?) are also not something I'm ashamed of. Perhaps I am a little - just because I couldn’t 'hold it in'. It was so uncharacteristic of me. But perhaps the cumulation of what had happened on thrusday nite and to be subjected to similar again was too much. Still, I wish I was able to be responsible and logical, to let it slide off like water on a duck's proverbial back. But perhaps that was the thing - that I was sick and tired of being responsible and logical, this overwhelming sense of "why me?" - why is it ok for me to be treated in that way. Well its not.

Unlike most others, I do not have a home sanctuary to return to. My being at home simply opens another emotionally distressing can of worms.

I wish I could answer cheerfully that my weekend was good. I wish I can write a happy blog. But I simply cannot.

Friday, November 04, 2005


Went to oaks yesterday. this is the first year that i've ever really been to spring racing (i have been to derby once in my childhood but there were definitely no new frocks and daytime drinking involved). The day was great - the rain held off(largely bc i bought my brolly) and we spent the whole arvo drinking cheap champers and making snide bitchy comments abt skanky-16-year-old-girls outfits (or well, the boys were pretending to make snide remarks whilst perving on the said outfits and girls).

And what better way to end a lovely day than to storm off along from the bearbrass at 12am that nite. Perhaps i should explain myself. Remember Smarmy? the wanker-eque 'golden boy' at work. You know the type, one of those guys who waltzes around like he owns the place. After he got stupidly drunk (by skulling 3 or 4 long island ice teas with his bosses' best mate), i had stupidly ask him "are you ok?"

what a silly thing to do. he replied with "what is your problem?". i was shocked. But in light of my own drunkeness and i was also slightly amused and incredibly curious as to what he was going to say. I smiled, and suggested he should tell me what i problem is. "i'll tell you what i think of you..." he said, he seemed truely angry. At that point his mates came around and held him back, telling him to shut up. His mate O dragged him aside and they started to 'talk' - you know, 'man to man talk'. Another guy D suggested i should go and talk to Smarmy. D's gf (also a workmate) overheard and immediately piped "D, dont say that, are you stupid or something?". By that time i had realised that all of them (O, D and his gf J) all know exactly what Smarmy thought of me, and exactly what he was going to say.

I hate being in that kinda situation. The cliche of 'being left in the dark' when everyone else has been talking about you and knows exactly. I went up to Smarmy and O and said to Smarmy "i dont hate you, and i dont think i've been a bitch you to you. If you would like me to leave now i will. If it helps you, i will leave." Smarmy smiled and shook his head, in that "you dont get it way". His friend O said to me, not to worry and that its not about me, that smarmy has lots of 'other issues'. I told them both that he surely cannot say that he was going to 'tell me what my problem was' and then said that its not about me at all.

And then it gets weird. Smarmy lent over, and whispered in my ear "you know that if i could be with you right now, i would", he took my hand and kissed the back of it. That was then i decided i had enough and got up and left.

what a f-cker. what makes him think that he can let his 'other issues' out on me? Since my last blog incident involving smarmy i had hardly spoken 3 words to him. what makes him think that he can whisper ridiculous things in my ear. And to top things off - i have not had an apology today. Nothing, not even an email. From D and O, i have been told that he remembers nothing of last nite. surely. how lame. what a tosser.

i dont really know what to think or how to react. why do ppl think that its acceptable to take their frustrations out on me? what have i done to deserve this? surely i dont.